Part 6: Understanding Relationships: Reaching Agreement in Separation and Divorce

1.     A Psychotherapeutic and Facilitated Perspective

Separation and divorce are not only legal processes; they are psychological events that profoundly affect identity, attachment, emotional regulation and future relational capacity. While much public discussion focuses on legal outcomes, research and clinical experience consistently show that how couples reach agreement matters just as much as what they agree to.

In Ireland, for example, most separations and divorces ultimately proceed by consent rather than contested litigation. However, “agreement” can emerge through very different psychological pathways, some constructive and stabilising, others fragile and resentful. This part of the series outlines what supports sustainable, amicable agreement, integrating psychological understanding with facilitated processes such as mediation.

Separation as a Psychological Transition

From a therapeutic standpoint, separation activates multiple layers of threat:

• Attachment disruption

• Loss of identity and future orientation

• Perceived injustice or betrayal

• Fear about security, children, finances and social standing

Neuroscience tells us that threat impairs reflective functioning. When individuals are emotionally flooded with emotions such as anger, anxiety and depression, the nervous system prioritises survival over collaboration. This is why attempts to negotiate too early, or without adequate emotional containment, frequently fail.

Agreement is rarely blocked by a lack of intelligence or goodwill; it is more often blocked by dysregulated affect.

2. The Core Psychological Conditions for Agreement

2.1 Emotional Regulation Precedes Negotiation

Clients who reach durable agreements are typically those who can:

• Tolerate distress without escalating

• Pause before reacting

• Reflect on long-term consequences rather than immediate relief

Therapeutic support during separation often focuses on stabilising the nervous system so that decision-making becomes possible. This may involve individual therapy running alongside mediation or legal processes.

Attempting to resolve practical issues while emotions are high often results in rigid positions or later regret.

2.2 Shifting from Moral Fairness to Functional Fairness

A common psychological impasse occurs when clients seek emotional repair through legal outcomes — attempting to correct past wounds via financial or parenting arrangements.

Therapeutically, this requires a shift:

From, “What do I deserve?”
To, “What arrangement will allow me to live and move forward?”

Agreements grounded in functional rather than moral fairness are significantly more stable and less likely to be revisited.

2.3 Separating the Past from the Future

Unresolved relational trauma often seeks expression during negotiations. Clinically, this shows up as:

• Re-litigating betrayal through asset division

• Using parenting arrangements as leverage

• Difficulty letting go of symbolic grievances

Facilitated agreement becomes possible when the past is acknowledged in therapy, rather than enacted in legal or mediation spaces.

2.4 Accepting Imperfect Outcomes

One of the most important psychological indicators of readiness for agreement is tolerance for imperfection.

Sustainable agreements rarely feel emotionally satisfying. Instead, they feel:

• Reasonable

• Livable

• Good enough

When one party feels they have “won,” resentment and non-compliance often follow.

3.   The Role of Facilitation in Supporting Agreement

While psychological readiness is essential, structure is also important. Facilitation provides containment, pacing and reality-testing, functions that are difficult to maintain within emotionally charged relationships.

3.1 Mediation as Emotional Containment

Mediation works best when understood not simply as negotiation, but as a regulated relational space:

• Clear boundaries

• Neutral facilitation

• Agenda-led discussions

• Future-focused framing

From a psychological perspective, the mediator acts as an external regulator, helping both parties remain within a tolerable emotional window.

3.2 Solicitor-Supported Mediation

One of the most effective pathways to agreement is mediation supported by independent legal advice outside the room. This:

• Reduces adversarial escalation

• Preserves psychological safety

• Ensures informed consent

• Prevents power imbalances

For many clients, knowing they are legally protected allows them to engage more openly and flexibly in mediation.

3.3 Sequencing Matters

Agreements often fail when couples attempt to resolve everything simultaneously. A phased approach reduces cognitive and emotional overload:

1. Immediate practical stability

2. Parenting routines (where relevant)

3. Financial clarity and disclosure

4. Longer-term arrangements

5. Legal formalisation

Psychologically, early certainty reduces anxiety and creates momentum. It keeps stress at bay.

3.4 Objective Anchors and Reality-Testing

Facilitators help shift discussions from emotional positions to external constraints:

• Financial realities

• Housing availability

• Developmental needs of children

• Likely legal outcomes

This reframing reduces personalising matters and blame, making compromise more accessible.

4.     When Agreement Is Difficult or Premature

Not all couples are immediately ready for facilitated agreement. Common barriers include:

• Significant power imbalance

• One partner not psychologically accepting the separation

• Active trauma responses

• Fear-driven decision-making

In these cases, therapeutic work may need to precede formal negotiation. Pausing mediation or using shuttle formats can be clinically appropriate and protective.

5.     What Sustainable Agreement Looks Like

From a therapeutic lens, a workable agreement often includes:

• Reduced emotional intensity over time

• Minimal need for enforcement

• Flexibility rather than rigidity

• Decreasing reliance on external authorities

• The ability to imagine a future not defined by the former relationship

6. Staying on Friendly Terms After a Breakup; Is It Always Healthy?

Many people feel pressure to remain friends after a breakup. While this can be positive in some situations, it is not always appropriate or helpful.

6.1 When Staying Friendly Can Be Beneficial

Remaining on friendly terms may support:

·       Co-parenting relationships

·       Shared social or professional networks

·       A sense of mutual respect and closure

6.2 When Distance Is Necessary

For many, continued closeness prevents grief. Space allows the relationship to transform into memory rather than remain emotionally active.

Friendship can become problematic when:

·       One person is still hoping for reconciliation

·       Emotional boundaries are unclear

Choosing distance does not mean the relationship lacked value, it often means healing is still needed. It is not bitterness, it is discernment.

6.3  Psychotherapist’s Role

Psychotherapists are uniquely positioned to support clients through separation by:

• Helping regulate emotional states

• Supporting grief and loss processing

• Differentiating emotional needs from legal outcomes

• Enhancing reflective capacity

• Preparing clients to engage constructively in facilitated processes

When therapy and facilitation are aligned, agreement becomes less about compromise and more about psychological transition.

Dan Boland 353-87-2555974

Part 1: How Romantic Relationships Evolve and Why Some End Without Failing

Part 2: When Love Isn’t Enough; Why Some Relationships Don’t Work Out

Part 3: Conflict, Rupture, and Repair; Knowing When Repair Is No Longer Possible

Part 4: When Romance Changes: Navigating the Next Chapter with Care

Part 5: Ending a Relationship with Integrity

Part 6: Reaching Agreement in Separation and Divorce

Part 7: What Past Relationships Teach Us About Future Ones