Understanding Guilt: a Double-Edged Emotion

Guilt is one of the most complex and powerful emotions we experience as human beings. It can serve as a moral compass, guiding us to act with integrity and compassion. But left unchecked or misunderstood, guilt can become an emotional burden, fuelling anxiety, self-criticism, and shame.

In my work as a psychotherapist, I often see clients struggling with guilt in many forms. Some carry guilt from past actions or inactions, while others feel guilty for simply setting boundaries or prioritising their own needs. This blog aims to unpack what guilt really is, where it comes from, and how we can respond to it in a healthy and constructive way.

What Is Guilt?

Guilt is an emotional response to the perception that we’ve done something wrong, whether morally, socially, or personally. It often arises when our actions, or inactions, conflict with our internal values or the expectations of others.

There are two broad types of guilt:

• Healthy (adaptive) guilt: This form of guilt helps us grow. It points out when we’ve harmed someone or acted out of alignment with our values, and motivates us to make amends or change behaviour.

• Unhealthy (maladaptive) guilt: This occurs when guilt becomes disproportionate or misplaced, such as feeling guilty for things outside our control, or for simply having needs and boundaries. Over time, this kind of guilt can erode self-worth and increase emotional distress.

Common Sources of Guilt

Some common experiences that evoke guilt include:

• Hurting someone, intentionally or unintentionally

• Failing to meet our own or others’ expectations

• Saying "no" or setting boundaries

• Surviving trauma or loss (survivor’s guilt)

• Feeling like you’re not “doing enough” in your roles as a parent, partner, employee, or friend.

Cultural, familial, and religious beliefs can also play a significant role in shaping our experience of guilt. Many people internalise messages early in life about what is “right” or “wrong,” “selfish” or “good,” and carry those moral codes into adulthood, sometimes without ever questioning them.

Guilt vs. Shame

It’s important to distinguish between guilt and shame. While guilt says "I did something bad," shame says "I am bad." Guilt is focused on behaviour; shame attacks identity. When unresolved guilt turns into shame, it can create a deep sense of unworthiness and lead to avoidance, disconnection, or even self-sabotage.

How to Deal with Guilt: Moving from Self-Blame to Self-Compassion

Dealing with guilt isn't about ignoring it or pretending everything is fine. It’s about understanding its message and deciding what to do with it. Guilt can either be a stepping stone toward growth or a weight we carry unnecessarily.

Here are several ways to work through guilt in a healthy and constructive way:

1. Name and Understand the Guilt

The first step is to identify what you're feeling guilty about and why. Ask yourself:

• What specific action (or inaction) is causing this guilt?

• Is this guilt based on my own values, or someone else’s expectations?

• Does the guilt feel proportional to the situation?

• Is there something I can do to repair or make amends?

Often, guilt lives in the background as a vague sense of discomfort or shame. Naming it clearly helps reduce its power and invites reflection rather than rumination.

2. Differentiate Guilt from Shame

As mentioned earlier, guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.”

When guilt shifts into shame, it becomes harder to work with. A compassionate internal dialogue can help. For example:

• Instead of: “I’m such a terrible person for doing that.”

• Try: “I made a mistake, and I’m learning from it. That doesn't make me a bad person.”

Therapy often involves gently unpacking this difference and helping clients reclaim their self-worth.

3. Take Responsibility for What’s Yours

Guilt can sometimes cause people to take on too much responsibility, especially those with people-pleasing tendencies, a history of trauma, or perfectionistic standards.

It’s important to ask:

• Is this really my responsibility?

• Am I assuming blame for someone else's emotions, choices, or reactions?

• Is this guilt based in reality, or in fear of disapproval or rejection?

A helpful exercise is to draw a metaphorical circle around what you are responsible for and leave what’s outside the circle where it belongs.

4. Make Amends When Appropriate

If your guilt stems from an action that hurt someone else, consider whether you can make amends:

• Offer a genuine apology

• Acknowledge the impact of your actions

• Take steps to change the behaviour in the future

Making amends is not just about fixing what was broken, it’s about restoring integrity with yourself.

However, sometimes guilt persists even after apologies are made. In those cases, it may be more about self-forgiveness than others’ responses.

5. Practice Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour. It means acknowledging your humanity, learning from the experience, and allowing yourself to move forward.

Self-forgiveness may involve:

• Accepting that we are all imperfect and capable of making mistakes

• Committing to doing better without punishing yourself indefinitely

• Speaking to yourself as you would to a loved one who feels remorseful

Try saying: “I made a mistake, but I’m learning. I am still worthy of compassion.”

6. Challenge Unrealistic Standards

Many people carry guilt from impossible expectations such as being a perfect parent, partner, friend, employee. If your guilt is chronic and persistent, it may be rooted in internalised beliefs that need to be questioned:

• “I should always be available to others.”

• “If I say no, I’m selfish.”

• “I must always put others before myself.”

Therapy can help challenge these beliefs and replace them with more balanced, compassionate thinking.

7. Let Go Through Ritual or Symbolism (When Useful)

For some people, symbolic actions can help process and release guilt:

• Writing a letter you don’t send

• Journaling and then burning the paper

• Creating a ritual of letting go

These actions don't erase the past but they can offer a sense of closure and emotional release.

Letting Go vs. Letting It Guide You

Guilt doesn’t have to be the enemy. When we learn to relate to it with curiosity rather than judgment, it can become a valuable guide to living in alignment with our values. But when guilt becomes a chronic inner critic, it's time to pause, reflect, and possibly seek support.

Final Thoughts

If you’re struggling with guilt, know that you're not alone. Whether you're haunted by something in your past, burdened by the weight of others’ expectations, or caught in a cycle of self-blame, therapy can help you untangle the emotional knots and find a path forward.

Guilt can shape us, but it doesn’t have to define us.

Guilt is a sign that you care. That is not a bad thing. But caring doesn’t have to come at the cost of your mental and emotional health. With the right tools and support, you can transform guilt from a heavy burden into a source of growth, clarity, and compassion.

You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to make mistakes. And you are allowed to heal.

Seek Support

If guilt is interfering with your well-being or relationships, it might be time to talk with a therapist. Persistent guilt can sometimes be linked to:

• Childhood conditioning or trauma

• Anxiety disorders

• Depression

• Religious or cultural guilt

Therapy provides a safe space to explore these layers, gain insight, and work toward resolution.

Please do not hesitate to contact me, Dan Boland, at www.holisticcounsellingireland.com

if you would like to have a chat.