When Trying Too Hard Backfires: The Paradox of Effort
Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to relax, sleep, or stay calm, the more elusive it becomes? Many of us are taught that effort is the key to success; in many areas, that’s true. But when it comes to our inner world, effort can sometimes get in the way. In therapy, we often see how over-striving to manage thoughts, emotions, or performance can create more tension rather than less. This blog explores why that happens and how easing our grip can actually bring the change we’ve been working so hard to find.
But first, a few examples.
Falling asleep: The harder you try to fall asleep, the more alert and frustrated you become, making it harder to sleep.
Performing under pressure: Athletes or musicians who overthink their movements or technique can lose their natural flow and make more mistakes (“choking under pressure”).
Social situations: Trying too hard to be liked can come off as forced or insincere, pushing people away instead.
Creative work: Straining to come up with an idea can block inspiration but when you relax, the idea often comes naturally.
The Psychology Behind the Paradox
1. The Ironic Process of Control
In the 1990s, social psychologist Daniel Wegner introduced the Ironic Process Theory, often summed up by his famous “white bear” experiment.
Participants were told not to think about a white bear — and of course, couldn’t stop doing exactly that.
Wegner found that when we try to suppress a thought or emotion, two mental processes go to work:
A deliberate process that attempts to steer the mind elsewhere (“I’ll think about something else”).
An automatic monitoring process that scans for signs of failure (“Am I thinking about the white bear yet?”).
That second process — meant to help — actually keeps the unwanted thought active in the background. Under stress, fatigue, or intense effort, the monitoring system wins, and the very thought we’re trying to avoid takes centre stage.
You might notice this in daily life:
The harder you try to relax, the more tense you feel.
The more you try to fall asleep, the wider awake you become.
The more you try not to be anxious, the more you monitor your anxiety and heighten it.
2. When Effort Interrupts Flow
Another version of this paradox appears in performance. Psychologists studying athletes and musicians have long observed that excessive self-focus can interrupt automatic skills, a phenomenon known as “choking under pressure.”
When we perform well, much of what we do is handled automatically by procedural memory, the brain’s “muscle memory.”
But under pressure, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain involved in self-monitoring) becomes over-active. We start thinking about each step, correcting ourselves mid-action, and micromanaging our performance which ironically leads to more mistakes.
This is why an athlete’s mantra might be “trust your training” or why musicians often practise mindfulness to re-enter a “flow” state rather than over-analyse each note.
Why We Try So Hard
At the heart of paradoxical effort is a deeply human wish: the wish to be in control.
Control feels safe. It gives us the illusion that if we just try hard enough, we can manage uncertainty, discomfort, and imperfection.
But much of life, and especially the inner world, doesn’t respond well to control. Thoughts, emotions, and physiological states are not levers we can push and pull on command. In fact, they often rebel against excessive management.
Working With — Not Against — the Mind
Here are a few therapeutic principles that can help loosen the grip of over-effort:
Allow, Don’t Force.
Notice thoughts and feelings without trying to control or eliminate them. Paradoxically, acceptance often softens their intensity.Shift from Outcome to Process.
Focus on engagement rather than results. Whether in performance, therapy, or relationships, staying connected to the process fosters flow and authenticity.Use Mindful Curiosity.
Replace “I must fix this” with “I wonder what’s happening right now.” Curiosity invites exploration instead of resistance.Rest the Control System.
Techniques like slow breathing, grounding, or mindful body awareness help deactivate the brain’s over-monitoring loop, allowing natural regulation to resume.
A Paradox Worth Embracing
In the therapy room, we often see that healing begins when people stop trying to force themselves to feel better and instead make space to feel what is already here.
It’s not about giving up. It’s about giving in to a wiser rhythm of mind and body.
As poet John Keats called it, we need a little “negative capability”, the ability to remain with uncertainty and tension without rushing to resolve it.
From that space, genuine change — sleep, calm, connection, creativity — tends to arise on its own.
Closing Thought
If effort alone could solve suffering, most of our clients would already be at peace.
But much of psychotherapy is about learning when to try and when to allow. The paradox of effort reminds us that sometimes, less control brings more freedom. That’s a message both therapists and clients can take to heart.
Learning to stop over-efforting doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving yourself permission to trust your mind and body’s natural capacity to self-correct. Every time I think of this it reminds me of the beautiful song by The Beatles. Here goes:
“Let it Be” by The Beatles
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be…
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be…
Stay tuned. My next Blog is about Strategies to Avoid “Choking” under Pressure.
Dan Boland, 087-2555974.
