Part 2: Unseen and Unspoken – When Grief Isn’t Recognised
In Part 1 we looked at where grief is not necessarily a linear process. Here we look at different types of grief, some of which are not even acknowledged. Some grief walks into the room and is met with casseroles, flowers, cards, and open arms. But other forms of grief are quieter. Less acknowledged. Sometimes even invisible. These are the losses that don’t always get a name, a ritual, or a place to land.
As a psychotherapist, I’ve had many clients sit across from me and ask, “Is it okay that I’m still grieving this?”
My answer is almost always the same: Yes. It is okay. And it matters.
In this post, we’re going to explore the kinds of grief that don’t always get recognised by society, by others, or even by ourselves.
🫥 Disenfranchised Grief: When Loss Goes Unseen
Disenfranchised grief is a term coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka to describe grief that is not socially sanctioned or publicly mourned. These are losses that aren’t always seen as “worthy” of grief but they still carry a deep emotional weight.
Some examples include:
The loss of a beloved pet
A miscarriage or infertility journey
The death of an ex-partner or estranged family member
The end of a friendship
Losses in the LGBTQ+ community that aren’t acknowledged by family
Losing a job, a home, or a sense of purpose
Grieving someone who is still alive due to dementia or estrangement
In these situations, the grieving person may feel isolated, not because the grief isn’t real, but because others don’t seem to recognise it. This can compound the pain, adding shame, confusion, or the sense that they should “just get over it.”
But grief doesn’t require a public announcement to be valid. It only needs a heart that feels the absence.
🪞 Ambiguous Loss: Grieving What’s Not Fully Gone
Another lesser-known but powerful type of grief is ambiguous loss, a term introduced by Dr. Pauline Boss. This refers to a loss that remains unclear, without closure or finality.
There are two common types:
Physical absence with psychological presence – For example, a loved one who goes missing, or is emotionally distant but physically present.
Psychological absence with physical presence – Such as with dementia, addiction, or mental illness.
These losses are painful precisely because they don’t follow a clear path. We’re left navigating the in-between, loving someone who is still here, but not as they once were.
This kind of grief is ongoing. It can’t be neatly resolved or “put to rest.” It requires a different kind of compassion, one that allows space for ambiguity and ongoing connection, even in the absence of resolution.
🧠 Recognising Your Own Hidden Grief
Sometimes, we don’t even realise we’re grieving. The signs may be subtle:
Irritability or brain fog
A sense of emptiness or restlessness
Avoiding certain places or memories
An unexplainable heaviness in the body
These responses may arise after a significant change, even if that change isn’t “traditionally” seen as a loss. The end of a season of life. A retirement. A child leaving home. A dream you quietly let go of.
If you’ve felt any of these shifts, it may help to ask yourself: “What have I lost that I haven’t yet named?” Sometimes the act of naming the loss is the first step in healing it.
💗 Making Space for All Grief
Every grief deserves acknowledgment. Whether your loss is loud or quiet, socially validated or personally held, it matters. You don’t have to justify your grief to anyone, not even to yourself.
Creating a small ritual such as a letter, a walk, a candle, can offer a sense of honour and recognition for a loss that may have otherwise gone unseen. Therapy can also be a space where the unspoken parts of grief are gently brought into the light.
If no one has told you yet: I’m sorry for your loss. Even if others don’t see it, I do. And it matters.
Next in the series:
“When Grief Lives in the Body” ; exploring how grief shows up physically and how we can care for ourselves when our whole system is grieving.
