Part 4: Showing Up in Grief: How to Truly Support Someone Who’s Hurting
🕊️ When someone we care about is grieving, it’s natural to want to help. We want to make it better, say the right thing, offer comfort that eases their pain. But grief doesn’t have a quick fix. Often, the best support isn’t about saying the perfect words. It’s about simply being there.
As a psychotherapist, I often work with clients who are grieving, and just as often, with those who love them but don’t know how to help. They worry about saying the wrong thing, overstepping, or not doing enough. These are deeply human concerns.
This post is for anyone who’s ever wondered: How do I show up for someone who’s grieving?
🤝 Presence Over Perfection
There’s no script for comforting someone in grief. But one thing is always true: your presence matters more than your words. You don’t need to have answers. You don’t need to take their pain away. What you can offer is your steady, compassionate presence.
You can say:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I’ll just sit with you.”
“Would it help if I brought a meal/walked the dog/sat with the kids?”
Simple, sincere, and grounded statements go a long way.
🛑 What Not to Say
Even with good intentions, some phrases can land as dismissive or minimising. It’s okay to have said these in the past. We’re all learning. Here are a few to be mindful of:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“They’re in a better place now.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You need to stay strong.”
These can unintentionally shut down emotion or imply that the griever should be further along in their healing. A better approach is to validate their pain without trying to fix it.
💌 The Importance of Ongoing Support
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. In fact, the weeks and months after are often when the loneliness deepens. This is when support becomes even more vital.
You can help by:
Marking anniversaries: Sending a message on the birthday of their loved one, or the anniversary of their passing, can mean the world.
Checking in regularly: A simple “Thinking of you today” text matters more than you might think.
Being consistent: Let them know you’re still there, even when the initial rush of support has faded.
🕊️ Supporting Without Overstepping
Grief is deeply personal. Some people may want to talk, cry, and process. Others may prefer solitude or silence. Offer support, but let them take the lead.
You might ask:
“Would you like company, or some quiet time today?”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
“How can I support you right now?”
This gives your loved one permission to express what they actually need, not what they feel obligated to accept.
💞 Caring for the Caregiver
If you’re supporting someone in grief, your heart is doing heavy lifting too. It’s okay to acknowledge your own feelings of sadness, helplessness, even burnout. Supporting others doesn’t mean forgetting to care for yourself.
Set gentle boundaries where needed.
Make space for your own grief or emotional response.
Seek support yourself, especially if you feel overwhelmed.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Caring for your own well-being is part of showing up well for someone else.
Your presence is the medicine. Your willingness to stay close, even in silence, is what matters most.
Coming next in the series:
“Carrying Grief with Grace: Living Alongside Loss”. This explores how we continue to live, love, and find meaning while holding space for the grief we carry.
